Cute but deadly bunny :3

Wednesday, June 22, 2011
i wonder when enough will be enough

i wish i know how i can be a more interesting person..
it's not that i do not like silence. i am perfectly fine with comfortable silence, it's awkward silence that i really really hate. it just show that i am just not interesting enough to come up with topics to talk about. and then i'll just try, but fail terribly, in making a conversation and then the silence gets worse.

so much for being good with people.

it always happen. the moment i think and settle something about myself, something just comes along and ruin it.
honestly speaking, i thought i was good with people.. making friends, being friends, 'helping' them.. in the end, everything is just superficial on my part. there are really so many people whom i need to apologize to for making false promises, making situations worse and for being a horribe person that i just wish i could crawl up to a hole and literally shut myself away.

and maybe i should stop dragging you down.

and there is something i have to confess.
i am not a good christian. even though i thought i was before, i have never ever been a good example of a christian. deep down inside, i felt like i was a strong christian, ready to help other people with their own problems. until i saw that i am actually lagging way way behind and that i am far from being a real salt and light of this earth.

i am so amazed at seeing my other christian friends leading by examples, being so friendly, sincere, kind and especially disciplined and obedient to God. even i cannot fathom how on earth they can do it. they are the kind of people that my friends have to be friends with so that they will know what real christians are. haha... honestly..
sure, everyone has his or her own struggles. but.. i don't know. i sincerely want to be a woman after God's heart but deep down inside, maybe i am not that sincere enough to take that first step of letting go.

i don't really know how a relationship with God works despite claiming to know him for literally my entire life.
i am utterly lost to who and what is God to me.

on a happier and random note..



there is something exuberating about sitting in a completely empty bus at 1230am, with the bus uncle driving fast with no stop till my destination, and just thinking..

samquek



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